Truth

Just about 25 minutes ago i was having yet another sad moment. When i'm Home and over the last two holidays it has been especially hard accepting the sadness of a broken relationship. I was typing and typing about how truly pathetic i was. I was literally going on and on with self deprication and heartache Until the pain became so clear in my head i could barely stand it anymore.

I went to Lds. org and typed in "breakups." so sad. My tears just started to roll out thinking about how pathetic i was, how awful i am, how sad i am that i don't have this man's affection or even esteem anymore... It was awful. awful. Terrible. ;) But then i read this...

http://lds.org/ensign/1989/03/dont-ask-whats-wrong-with-me-find-out-whats-right-with-me?lang=eng

And this...

http://lds.org/new-era/2003/10/how-do-i-love-thee?lang=eng

And it helped. So much. These things are true. I'm not pathetic. I have been blessed with the God like quality to love beyond trials, heartache, ill words, bad feelings, mistrusts, fights, etc. I am grateful for this. This quality is making my heart especially lonely lately but! I would rather have that than worry about the times when a heart can be fickle and change. It sucks to still care but it shows i still have the capacity to love in the future.

I also read this
"True love blooms when we care more about another person than we care about ourselves." My heart still aches and misses but I am so happy that he is happy. I would still rather him be happy and me be sad sometimes. I only ever wanted to see him happy, even if i couldn't be the one he was happy with.

And this especially

Third and last, the prophets tell us that true love "beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things" (Moro. 7:45). Once again that is ultimately a description of Christ’s love—He is the great example of One who bore and believed and hoped and endured. We are invited to do the same in our courtship and in our marriage to the best of our ability. Bear up and be strong. Be hopeful and believing. Some things in life we have little or no control over. These have to be endured. These are not things anyone wants in life, but sometimes they come. And when they come, we have to bear them; we have to believe; we have to hope for an end to such sorrows and difficulty; we have to endure until things come right in the end.

I have to believe this. Heavenly Father knows what is best for me and i am humbly trying to accept that what i had prayed for over and over(..hmm for probably about the whole time), for us to be right, wasn't. I knew that. I knew that when i kept giving Heavenly Father ultimatums. Ok if it isn't right then let me not feel as strongly for him. Ok if it isn't right then let him do something that will hurt me. If it isn't right then let him end it. All of these things came true. I'm so happy for the happy times i had with the wonderful side of that man, but we didn't' bring out the best in each other. I can speak for myself when i say it's the hardest thing when both people want it to be right so bad but it just isn't'. too much damage can be caused and as we tried to force ourselves to be closer we pushed ourselves away from what our loving heavenly father wanted. I loved him more than i can express. But i love my heavenly father more than him. I have my answer. It isn't right cause we're not together and I should have listened to the peace i felt when i heard that answer the first time. Even now i sometimes doubt it. Most of the time i still think, can i just still have him? even as a friend? I think that's human. And Heavenly Father loves me for that.

I'm a nice person after all. Human. Imperfect. But deserving, and loved. Now and in the future.