and then....

And then when everything seems to suck, I get a message from natalie my new roommate. At the end of the message of her telling me about her date, it says Love ya! Two words i long to hear said truthfully more than anything lately. It reminds me of Snow patrol, "these small words are sad too much or not enough."

i can't name a time this semester that when i have felt like this someone wasn't there, right there, to pick me up. Most of the time they had no idea what i'd been thinking.

It's times like this when I know, without a doubt in my mind, I have a father. A father that is guiding me and seeing my hurts and loving me. Doing all this because he knows it's so much better than the alternative: Alice, an emotionally immature little girl that has no way to relate to others. I'll take whatever he wants to give me.

Natalie has been the biggest answer to a prayer that i've had in the longest time. This summer at aspen grove was the most emotionally confusing and ungrounded time in my life. The first time the rug was pulled out from under me was the night i met natalie. Even through my emotion outburst she still wanted to be my friend. Everytime stuff after that happened whether good or bad Natalie lended a listening ear and a truthful response. Natalie was my present from heavenly father with tag that said "You're not in this alone. Good luck."

Blogging randoms

I am back in Provo...good ole p-town. Ya know people from price make fun of me cause I love provo and BYU. Then i see the same people from High School....looking the same as they did in high school and acting the same way. So I watched Sweet Home Alambama. I felt like her. Everytime I go to price i feel like i need to grab people and say get out of here! Then I see how stuck up Reese was in that movie. I don't want to be like that. And what do I have in comparison to Reese? She had a clothing line, was on the cover of W magazine and living in New York. All I can say is that my education is from a university....my major is acting. Good grief. My friends came to visit me in Price and we were going to do a double date but i could not honestly think of someone in Price that was my age and not married. I still feel really really blessed that i am attending BYU. Price is just not my cup of tea. I can't stand going there. Maybe it's for other, deeper reasons.

Really I just couldn't wait to come back to provo. It seems now that the only reasons i couldn't wait to come back are no longer a primary part of my life. The other night i had a dream about how much i missed Sarah and I couldn't stop crying in the dream. This isn't an exaggeration. I am having a hard time coming home an not having them there. They really were the closest friends and i consider them family that i have. I will wager that Sarah knows me better than anyone save for the big man upstairs.

This is the most depressing blog i have ever written. yikes. Feels good though. Sarah and Enge were safe. They were always there. Now i am dealing with all these other inconstants flying at me like i am in the middle of a tornado. I am not really good in dealing with the unknown. I hate feeling powerless. And now it's as if i need to trust completely in the wheather man that's telling me that the only debris that will hit me are foam blocks and soon the house will stop spinning. Maybe I'll wake up in Oz. Then again I don't want to land on a witch.

Updates...

Ok i realize that i haven't blogged in a long time! i'm sorry...so here are some updates:


My Show Opened! ahhhhh Tech week was crazy. Rehearsals until 12 am and one saturday we were there from 9 til four. But now the run has begun and it is great to finally have some laughs! Of course the director and stage manager laughed but towards the end they didn't just because they had seen it a million times. The best part is that now people laugh at random parts and the parts that the director thought were the funniest...bomb! I am really excited for it to be happening. To be honest i hate hate hate the rehearsal process. I feel at my game when i am performing. That's why i love film. It's very ready and go! I am more honest in my work when i don't have time to think about it.

Let's see....what else can i update on. OH! My missionaries are doing well. I get a letter from sarah almost every week and they are at least 6 pages long. I love it!!! When i write to her i feel like it's my journal cause i practically have and do tell sarah everything. Dang I miss them. Saturday morning was hard. I went to the temple for the first time since they left. I always went to the temple with them. I cried in the waiting area...and a lot on the way home cause i listened to "Come Thou fount" and drove by the MTC. That's sarah's song. It was just a hard day including the fact that i found out a good friend's dad died in plane crash. He was a bishop from Price and a really amazing man. I remember when Mika (his daughter) and i would hang out he would always be so nice to me. I loved going boating with them cause her mom and dad were so friendly and patient with me while i would wipe out over and over. It's a sad thing to happen to such a great family and he'll be missed. My day was made better by a friend taking me out to lunch and my roommate making me hot cocoa after i got home from the temple with puffy and blood shot eyes.


Love life updates will not be shared on the blog...i might as well post them on facebook. NO!